Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.
1.) Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months.
After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper
and read it for the last time.
2.) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’s the
last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from
5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again
with the bag until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can’t
go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed
at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing
songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up.
Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers
in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this–all
morning.
6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only
scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last,
take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo
Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play
group committee.
Stay tuned for part two!
